Advice Archives - The Negotiating Table

What does it mean to be a bad negotiator? People sometimes find negotiations overwhelming or have had negative experiences negotiating in the past. You might feel like a bad negotiator, but you’re probably not really as bad as you think you are. Maybe you’ve made some mistakes in previous negotiations and are generalizing from what you did to who you are. Maybe you’ve never been trained in negotiations and feel like you don’t know what you’re doing. Maybe you went into a negotiation unprepared and got clobbered. Maybe you got frightened, or anxious, or excited, or encountered a situation that stressed you out. Maybe you’re just new at this and need more practice.

Often, people are more or less comfortable with different kinds of negotiations. Some negotiations are more competitive in their nature and others are more collaborative, and if you say that you are a bad negotiator, really, you might just feel unconfident in competitive situations. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable negotiating within relationships or in certain settings. In my experience, very few people are in fact, bad negotiators. Instead, you do well enough sometimes and less well at other times, but the bad ones stick in your mind and impact how you think about yourself and about the process of negotiating.

One reason that you might feel like a bad negotiator is that you’ve never been trained in it. Like any craft, negotiation involves skills and behaviors that you’re not born with but learn over time. Take the time to read negotiation books, attend workshops, and observe experienced negotiators, and you will gain confidence.

You also need to prepare before you negotiate. Gather information, do research, ask questions. Not being prepared will impact your results and make you feel bad no matter your skill level.

Maybe you get anxious or stressed out. Negotiations can be scary. There are lots of decisions to be made, often under pressure, and with uncertain results. You might be uncomfortable with conflict, or when dealing with authority figures, and the fear of getting hurt, or damaging relationships, or feeling bad paralyzes you. Slow down, breathe, take breaks, and get support from others in order to manage your emotions and regain your composure.

Finally, it could be that you just need to practice more before you get comfortable negotiating. I doubt you’re a bad negotiator. Like everyone, you have strengths and challenges, and need to find strategies to overcome your challenges and then keep practicing.

People sometimes ask me how they can tell that they’re engaged in a negotiation. Very often, they don’t expect to be negotiating, and find themselves surprised, blindsided, or overwhelmed. As a result, they might neglect to create opportunities for themselves, simply by not asking, or they might say “yes” when they really don’t want to, and needlessly give away value. After the negotiation, they feel bad about themselves, and sometimes also about the other person.

I think that the problem starts with the way we define negotiations. We think of them as formal discussions where two sides go back and forth on their positions until they reach a compromise they can both live with. This is a narrow and unhelpful definition.

In fact, every conversation has the potential to become a negotiation. Negotiations occur any time that you and another person need to make a decision that affects you both, and you don’t start off in the same place.

So, some negotiations are formal, but most are informal, involving routine, day-to-day interactions. Some are about money, but most aren’t, and are more likely to be about timing, schedules, workload, decisions, or other mutual obligations. Some are external, involving vendors, customers, or other partners, but most are internal, with people you see every day.

So, negotiations are simply conversations, but with a purpose – the purpose of resolving differences, creating opportunities, and finding solutions that work for both people. By that definition, you negotiate every day, with many people around you, and must therefore be ready for any interaction to turn into a negotiation.

It all starts with awareness. If you can notice when someone is asking you for something, or if your eyes and ears are open for opportunities to create value with another person, then negotiations are less likely to take you by surprise.If you are surprised, take a breath, slow down, and give yourself a moment to catch up to the realization that you are knee-deep in a negotiation. You don’t have to say “yes” or “no” right away, and can give yourself the opportunity to gather your thoughts before continuing the conversation.