People sometimes ask me how they can tell that they’re engaged in a negotiation. Very often, they don’t expect to be negotiating, and find themselves surprised, blindsided, or overwhelmed. As a result, they might neglect to create opportunities for themselves, simply by not asking, or they might say “yes” when they really don’t want to, and needlessly give away value. After the negotiation, they feel bad about themselves, and sometimes also about the other person.
I think that the problem starts with the way we define negotiations. We think of them as formal discussions where two sides go back and forth on their positions until they reach a compromise they can both live with. This is a narrow and unhelpful definition.
In fact, every conversation has the potential to become a negotiation. Negotiations occur any time that you and another person need to make a decision that affects you both, and you don’t start off in the same place.
So, some negotiations are formal, but most are informal, involving routine, day-to-day interactions. Some are about money, but most aren’t, and are more likely to be about timing, schedules, workload, decisions, or other mutual obligations. Some are external, involving vendors, customers, or other partners, but most are internal, with people you see every day.
So, negotiations are simply conversations, but with a purpose – the purpose of resolving differences, creating opportunities, and finding solutions that work for both people. By that definition, you negotiate every day, with many people around you, and must therefore be ready for any interaction to turn into a negotiation.
It all starts with awareness. If you can notice when someone is asking you for something, or if your eyes and ears are open for opportunities to create value with another person, then negotiations are less likely to take you by surprise.If you are surprised, take a breath, slow down, and give yourself a moment to catch up to the realization that you are knee-deep in a negotiation. You don’t have to say “yes” or “no” right away, and can give yourself the opportunity to gather your thoughts before continuing the conversation.